“I know why I do it. I just can’t seem to stop.”
It’s something I hear often, especially in the first few sessions. Many people arrive having already done a lot of thinking. They’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and can explain their patterns in detail. And yet the same feelings and reactions keep returning. Understanding something in our heads isn’t always enough to change how we feel or what we do.
So what does therapy actually offer?
The clever child
As children, we depend completely on the people who care for us. When that care is unpredictable, critical, or simply not there in the way we need, we don’t have the option of leaving or speaking up. Instead, we adapt.
Some of us become helpful, always attuned to what others need. Some become high achievers, hoping to earn approval. Some learn to be quiet and undemanding, and some learn to almost disappear. These aren’t flaws. They are clever, creative solutions, found by a child doing their very best to stay connected and safe.
In transactional analysis, the approach I work with, we might call these early decisions part of a “life script”: conclusions we reached as children about ourselves, other people and the world. Often they made complete sense at the time.
Why the patterns stick
Our brains are built for survival. Once a strategy has kept us safe, it doesn’t easily switch off, even when life has changed. So the adult who no longer needs to keep a parent happy may still find themselves saying yes when they mean no, apologising for things that aren’t their fault, or feeling anxious when someone seems displeased.
The past has a way of showing up in unexpected places: in our relationships, at work, in the voice inside our heads.
What we do together
In therapy, we gently explore these layers of self together. Rather than trying to “fix” or get rid of a pattern, we get curious about it. Where did it come from? What was it protecting you from? What does it still try to do for you now?
This often brings a surprising sense of compassion. When people can see how sensible their old ways of coping were, given what they were dealing with at the time, the shame around them often begins to ease. And when shame eases, there is more room to choose something different.
The relationship matters most
In my experience, change rarely comes from insight alone. It grows within the relationship between client and therapist, built slowly over time, with consistency, honesty and care.
That relationship won’t always be perfect. Sometimes I might misunderstand something, or say something that doesn’t feel right. When that happens and we can talk about it openly, and I can take responsibility without becoming defensive, it can be one of the most healing moments in therapy. For anyone whose early relationships didn’t allow mistakes to be repaired, simply experiencing this can be powerful.
Letting go, gently
Saying goodbye to an old pattern isn’t always easy. Even when we know it no longer serves us, it was once our protection, and letting go of it can bring grief as well as relief. There’s no rush. We go at your pace.
Perhaps it’s time to try another way
Everything you have done up until now has helped you to survive. It has kept you going and brought you here. Therapy offers a space to honour that, and to explore whether it might be time to try another way.
If something here resonates with you, I’d be very happy to hear from you.